When Self-Reflection Isn’t Enough

In my line of work I encourage a lot of self-reflection. I do a lot of self-reflection myself. But it’s all bullshit.

I know lots of people who are great when it comes to awareness and understanding and reflecting on themselves. Many of them still struggle to grow from this awareness.

In a world where we’re encouraged to feel our feelings, examine our truths and reflect on everything we are, we’re missing an important step.

Without inflection, nothing is going to change.

Inflection > Reflection

An inflection point is where a big change occurs. In math it’s the shape of a curve, but in common usage it simply means a seismic shift in how things are done.

You need reflection in order to identify issues, problems, or areas of growth. But without inflection, nothing changes.

Traffic lights

In my traffic lights system, the inflection point is when a person stops sinking deeper into the yellow or red and starts climbing back into the green. It’s also when someone starts to slide out of the green.

Sometimes the inflection point – or trigger – is external. This might be the case if things start to go downhill.

For example, a poorly worded email sets you off at work. A bad break causes you to lose your temper in competition. Your kid has a meltdown over not wanting to wear a shirt.

These are the kinds of inflection points that exist that we don’t have a lot of control over. Where we do have control is our decisions and actions afterwards.

Using inflection points in a positive way

You are the only one capable of turning things around.

In my traffic lights system, we can use self-reflection and learn the tools you need to help bring things back into the green, but it’s still up to you.

As a coach, my job is to help provide those tools, provide the right environment and cues to help you do it, but it’s still up to you.

Struggling as a parent

When your kid is throwing a tantrum – especially when it feels completely out of the blue – it often puts parents into the yellow or red. Pleading, negotiating, yelling… They’re all signs of being in the yellow or red.

It’s something I’ve struggled with myself. Immensely. There are times when I’m completely in the green and unbothered by whatever feelings my kids are having.

And then there are times where, for whatever reason, I’m bothered to the core. I’m struggling to cope. I’m sure many parents can relate. Despite our best efforts, we struggle to show the same emotional composure that were’ trying to teach our kids.

I’ve reflected on this. As a kid, I know I had big feelings and I was often punished for them, not taught to regulate them. So I learned to bottle them up. As a 44 year old man I still struggle with emotional regulation.

(This isn’t to say my parents weren’t loving and kind, simply that it’s the reality for a lot of people my age – there was less understanding of emotional development in children.)

Great. I’ve identified the issue. Now what? There needs to be something – an inflection point – to create the change I need. Maybe it’s a tough, honest conversation with a loved one. Maybe it’s therapy (provided you take action outside of the appointment).

Whatever the trigger, you need action. Reflection alone will not improve parenting.

Struggling at work

The same is true for people who are struggling at work, or not living up to their potential in some way.

Sometimes it’s obvious. My brother just gave his notice and is starting a new job. That’s an inflection point. He was very unhappy and rather than staying in that position, he’s making a change.

But what about when every day at work is yellow. It’s easy to quit a job when it constantly puts you in the red. But when it’s just sort of ‘ok.’ There’s nothing particularly terrible, you’re performing ok, but there’s an inkling that you could be doing more.

So you read self-help books and business books, and think about what’s holding you back (self-limiting beliefs, is a common refrain). I know. I’ve read them. It makes you feel good to read them to identify areas of improvement. Great, that’s more self-reflection.

Where’s the inflection? Where’s the change in behaviour, in attitude, in beliefs? Whether you work from the outside-in (habits toward beliefs) or inside-out (beliefs towards actions), change is necessary.

Without inflection, the reflection is useless.

Making that change

I’m in the middle of making such a change. And let me tell you it is terrifying.

I’m literally one of the best in the world at one of the things I do. Unfortunately, coaching bowling is not exactly the most profitable career choice. I’ve known this for a while.

It takes inflection, not reflection. So what do I do? I lean on the skills that I have developed – mental training, writing, instructional design – and I look for opportunities elsewhere. I position myself not just as a bowling coach but a mindset coach, a writer.

I take the big step. It feels like I’m taking a step blindfolded. Unsure if I’m going to step off a cliff or onto solid ground.

Where are you?

I’ve used some examples from my personal life, but I’m sure many readers can relate. If you’re like me, you’ve spent plenty of time reflecting.

Maybe the inflection point is having that hard, honest conversation, committing to a change, or calling up an old work colleague. It doesn’t have to be some big dramatic decision to be the start of a seismic shift.

A curve is made of up series of points. Each little point contributes to the new shape.

The inflection point is the first step towards something new.